I'VE been online for about eight years now, and I've loved every minute of it. Believe me, back in the stone age when I had a 2400 baud modem, I spend LOTS of minutes on the Net. During this last decade (okay, okay,eight years isn't a whole decade, but it's close enough, in computer years), I've met some wonderful people online, and made some great friends. I've been lucky not to have run into very many true perverts or schizophrenics with delusions of grandeur, but the few I've met have been doozies.

When I first discovered the joys of true instantaneous global communications (and all for the flat fee of only twenty bucks a month), I was determined to meet as many people from all walks of life as possible. I'm a people person, and love learning about other cultures and countries. I quickly discovered IRC (internet relay chat), kind of the ham radio of the wired world. Log onto a server and pick a room that sounds good!

What could be easier? That part WAS easy. The hard part was deciphering the REAL name of the rooms on the list.

I learned pretty fast that ninety percent of all chat rooms (no matter how innocuous and innocent the name was) were sex rooms. They might not have started out that way, but that's how they ended up. If by some miracle I ended up in room that actually fit the description, say 'RecipeExchangeRoom'. before too many minutes had passed, BigBiff would show up, sharing HIS recipes. They might involve food, but not in the manner the rest of us cooks were referring to.

Then there are the Surprise Attacks. You know who I mean. The ones who start out nice and friendly, and NORMAL, then suddenly toss something into the conversation that is just so...out there.

I was in a gaming room once, chatting with a number of other people about the current hot video game (yes, I may be middle aged, but I'm devoted to my N64 and Playstation). 'Bob' sent me a private message and we began conversing. Just the usual small talk that two strangers indulge in. Then, seemingly out of nowhere, Bob informed me that (I swear to God this is true) 'I'm 6'4", 200 lbs, blonde hair, blue eyes, eight inches'. Say what? Where in the hell did THAT come from?

Does he do that in real life? Walk up to a woman in a club or in church and say 'Hi, I'm Bob! I'm an accountant, eight inches!'?

And we can't forget the gods and goddesses. These are the people that we imperfect mortals can only dream of emulating. They've been there, done that, and are beautiful, talented geniuses. Anything we've done, they've done better. And longer, and more often, and been paid more for it.

I've had the misfortune of running across people who list a whole string of accomplishments such as model, violin virtuoso, CEO of Fortune 500 corporation, admitted into MIT at 11, double amputee,and an ordained minister, plus many other talents that they didn't mention because they 'didn't want to brag'.

They're nice and friendly as long as you exclaim over how wonderful they are, but as soon as you start noticing inconsistencies and asking questions, you're pegged as 'just jealous of their many wonderful accomplishments'.

My standard response to these people now is, 'well, if you're so darn great, why are you spending 22 hours a day on the internet?'

Then there are the pseudo friends. The ones that are best buds until they get themselves into some hot water, and waste no time in blaming it on whoever happens to be closest. Namely you.

Like the woman who met a man through a personal ad, and worried constantly over whether he was romantically interested. He never hugged her or kissed her, or invited her on a real date. He finally told her he liked her as a friend. She was livid, and created a new online persona, specifically to 'meet' this man through the same ad, lead him on and dump him. After bragging about doing this to all her friends in an online community, she was surprised to discover that no-one approved of what she had done.

Apparently afraid that one of them might inform the poor sap about what was going on, she decided a pre-emptive strike might be in order, mainly going to another community and telling everyone THERE that one of her FRIENDS had done this to the guy to get back at him, and she knew nothing about it. She even named the 'guilty' friend. This made THAT set of friends angry at the woman who had supposedly done it, and it made those that knew the real truth absolutely livid. You may have heard the gunfire yourself at that time; it got pretty nasty.

By and large, however, my run ins with the scurvy dogs have been few and far between. They seem to happen JUST often enough to remind me that for every really wonderful person out there (hi, Lisa and Kimmy), there are some downright nasty, nefarious, psychos.

Be careful in cyberspace, and take everyone and everything with a grain of salt. If it looks like a duck, walks like a duck, and talks like a duck, it may not BE a duck.

Here on the Net, it could just as easily be a cow.

Visit Pam Allen's interior decorating site at QuickDecor

• Backup -
  mysteries
  revealed
• Finding -
  files fast.
• Organise -
  your PC.
• Build -
  your own
  website

• Design sites
• Learn about scripts
• ...forms or tables
• Meta Tags
• Understand FTP
• Accept payments
• Write good copy
• ..and lots more